Sometimes a man gets bored with his name. Especially in coffee shops and fast food outlets when he’s constantly asked for it. How hard is it to recall one order from hundreds a day? So I decided to make life easier for everybody.
“What’s the name?” the young girl asked me at a Mexican food joint in Brooklyn.
She stared back at me in nervous confusion. “I can’t write that.”
She said nothing.
“Look,” I said. “This is how it’s going to go down. You call out ‘Kanye West, your fish taco is ready’. Everyone here will stop eating and look around. I stand up and walk over to you and collect my order. The people resume their meal and later they’ll go home and tell everybody they saw Kanye West today and he sure looked different.”
She pursed her lips. “I’ll just call out ‘fish taco’.”
My friends, I tried. In fact I tried again later that day. In a Manhattan coffee shop near 5th Avenue. Different borough, different reaction.
“What’s the name?” the counter girl asked.
She nearly split her face smiling. “Hey everybody,” she yelled out to the four staff and 10 customers. “Kanye West is here, and he wants a flat white!”
“Woohoo!” the baristas and sandwich makers cried. Two of them danced, two of them cast snaky moves around the floor.
I glanced over to the customers. Suits and business attire. None of them looking up from their cellphones. I had won over only a third of my audience. The staff tried their best. When my coffee was ready, the barista yelled, “Kanye West, your flat white is ready!”
I took it and checked the suits – nobody looking up. Jeez, some people.
Later that day I tried one more time.
“I can’t write down Kanye West,” the counter girl confessed.
“Because the barista hates him and he won’t make your coffee.”
She had me there. A man will ditch his principles when faced with no coffee.
“Put down George Harrison,” I said.